A new idiot joins the fray
by Dookie Overlord
Summary: Dead guy joins up with Soul Society, strange though how soon he became a Shinigami, wonder why? Could use a few pointers but I researched the series fairly well. Theoretically.


Disclaimer, I don't own Bleach, if I did, you'd have heard of it by now.

Here we have a redo.

"speech"  
'thought'  
"Hollow/Zanpakuto speech"  
'Hollow/Zanpakuto thought'

-------------------random street (this is the place)----------------

Dying is not fun, particularly the part where the broken chain hanging from your chest begins eating itself after a few hours, not only is this painful, but it's downright disturbing! Damn suicidal chain...

I tried getting back to my body, but it wouldn't accept me, probably it being dead is the cause, some ass-hole decided that since I couldn't give him any money he was allowed to stab me in the neck and now I've gotta deal with this, fantastic. As the last bunch of links in my chain simultaneously began devouring themselves I found myself in what appeared to be a barren and dead farm.

"Now what?"

"Now we meet"

"Huh?" I turned and saw a silver haired man in a black trench coat with somewhat high collar coming up to his chin. He was standing smugly with two identical broadswords in front of him stabbed into the ground. His pants and boots were also black and looked slightly combat worn. I assumed whatever he was wearing underneath was also black.

"Ethan, now is the time to awaken yourself, if not you will fade into nothing."

"Fade into nothing? That's bad right?"

"Yes, yes it is" with a slight nod

"Alright, how do I awaken myself?"

"You need to find your inner strength, and embrace it" The man's voice was muffled by the collar, though it seemed familiar.

"How can I do that?"

"Fight me" The man gripped one of the broadswords and threw it to me while grabbing the other. Strange how familiar and easily catching the sword was to me. The sword was lighter than I figured it would be.

He rapidly charged with a fierce stab, his first strike was deflected by my sword. I countered it with a stab at the man but he knocked it aside before bringing his knee up into my gut, I reflexively rolled backward with the blow and came up while seeing the other come in with a downward slash, rather than block or parry, I shifted a little allowing the strike graze my left arm. I'm right-handed anyway.

The Cloaked guy looked shocked and hesitated, which was all I needed to stab him in the chest. He chuckled lightly as he pulled my sword out.

"Well done, you are ready, but next time, I won't hold back"

I returned to my soul, out of the odd world inside my mind, and found myself in a little trouble, in front of me was a large black humanoid with white stripes and large claws with barbed ridges. That's not what worried me, what worried me was the face, it was that of a stark white tiger-like skull, with black streaks for stripes starting from the holes that I assumed to be it's eyes. Whatever it was, it looked pretty hungry, and to it, I'm sure I seemed an appropriate meal.

As it bellowed at me in rage, I felt myself shake to the core, though it wasn't from fear, it was from anticipation. I'm sure my next words shocked it as much as they did me.

"This is gonna be fun!"

I held a smirk as I faced my attacker, the reason being a weight I could feel on my back, the source of which was the broadsword. I pulled it out to find the blade to be about 4 feet long and about 6 inches wide, just a guess but the handle was a foot as well, making for a 5 foot weapon. I only had a foot on the damn thing.

That'll do. I didn't question the fact that it came out of nowhere, nor the fact that it wasn't there before I met up with my inner-stalker.

I noted idly that my attire now matched him although I let the cloak open showing the white under shirt and belt buckle shaped like a skull encased in fire. It was a lot more comfortable than I thought it would be. A little goth for my liking though.

The Hollow, as I would learn to call it, roared at me again and shook me to the core from the sheer volume.

"Awwww, the putty tat is mad, poor putty tat." I taunted, and the result was as expected, said putty tat got really mad.

I held my new-found sword in front of me loosely, mentally prepping myself for the upcoming fight, and I felt worried as I realized how much I was looking forward to it, something I was going to have to worry about later as the Hollow made the first move.

I dodged the lunge to the right and sliced lightly at the offending arm and was pleased to see my blade go through it quickly, gravity affected me less it seems, or dying made me faster and stronger. The hollow grazed my arm with it's second claw and I yelled slightly at the strike. It seemed happy at getting me back but I wasn't satisfied as I rolled with the blow and struck back hard with both hands, cleanly removing it's hand.

It screamed in fury and kicked me viciously sending me flying backwards several feet. I got up dazed and lucked out in that it was shocked by the loss of it's hand, after all this was a creature that had yet to lose a battle.

By the time the world stopped spinning for me I stared dumb struck as it's hand had started to regrow. I rushed it, pressing the advantage I momentarily had and got grazed in my side as I leaped at it and pierced it's stomach and yelled as I pulled my blade up, but I fell back in dismay as I realized a critical error, the damn thing already had a hole the size of my head in it's chest, and my sword went up from the stomach straight into the hole and out.

I rolled to the side as it tried to gut me and rolled back after it struck again and slashed it's skull with a quick scratch, I was surprised by my enemy again as it reared back in pain and gripped it's face while I regained my footing.

I watched as the hand stopped regrowing, having finished up the knuckles as the skull regrew, prioritizing the scratch, making it my new target.

It was far more defensive though so every charge I made was met by a claw, to get in close was going to be a pain. I charged again, and when it lunged, instead of parrying the blow, I allowed it to get my side slightly as I passed and yelled out as I made a leaping slash, slicing the skull in half vertically causing the rest of it to fade away, as I stumbled to the ground from my attack, clutching my side as it let me know it disapproved of my strategy I used.

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

I turned to find the source of the voice dressed in what looked to me to be over-sized robes and sandals with socks. What worried me was how angry he seemed and the fact that he was armed with a sword as well. His attire though seemed too ceremonious to me. Where as my hair was brown and hung in my eyes his was short and black, he also had a scar on his chin.

"Well? Who the hell do you think you are? Killing Hollows is the job of a Shinigami, and a zanpakuto is a symbol of that, so who did you steal that from I wonder?" He started walking towards me and unsheathed his sword and if that wasn't a hint to haul ass out of there, the smirk that crept on his face was.

"Well anal jockey, I don't think you deserve to know, as for the sword, I found it on me. The tiger thing I killed is what I assume is the Hollow, and if it's your job, then you should definitely check into a new career, cuz you obviously blow at this. Well buh-bye, I'm done talking to ya, so go play hide-and-go-####-yourself while I get going." With that said, I hauled my sorry ass out of there. The guy seemed pretty stunned before giving chase.

I ran through the streets, though the guy kept up well, probably would have caught me if it weren't for the sandals, my boots gave me an advantage in grip and I stabbed the walls so I could maintain my momentum as I turned, every little inch would help, seeing as I was still freaking injured! The coward maintained his pursuit, almost certainly looking for blood. What an ass...

Continuing on I wasn't all that surprised that no-one saw me, I was however weirded out by the fact that I could effect the material world, almost as though I was invisible rather than dead. My side was still protesting my previous strategy but I ignored it. I looked back to see my pursuer still on my trail.

I was struck by either an ingenious or moronic idea. I looked for a bar and was pleased to find one nearby, I raced in and smirked smugly when the Shinigami as he called himself followed. I leaped behind the bar and was happy to find a shotgun under the counter, even happier to find it loaded, perfect for my need, I didn't want him dead, just really scared.

I grabbed it and the bartenders looked terrified at the sight of the gun, to them it was floating after-all.

I leaped back into the crowd, pointed the gun up and fired, scaring the crowd into shoving my current problem away and I ran out the door firing once more, and chucked the gun in favor of hauling my sorry ass out of there yet again. I wonder if I should have shot him instead? Oh well, I regret nothing!

I slowed my pace down to a brisk walk and was pleased to see the idiot was no longer on my tail. I let out a breath I both didn't know I was holding and didn't know I could hold, I was dead so was suffocating a possibility?

I started thinking more about my recent activities, from my apparently suicidal chain, the stalker or drug dealer in me, the tiger Hollow I killed, and the moron that was out to kill me. This was not a good night for me.

Home sounded like a good plan, surely they would recognize my existence, they were family and had to be aware of presence.

The trip home was boring, though that was a relief compared to insanity that was the rest of my little outing, I arrived home slightly injured from the fight but even those wounds had pretty much healed themselves up to my relief.

I walked in and received confused stares, at first I thought it was because of my sword and injuries but I was dismayed when Mom merely walked past me and closed the door, she didn't greet me and neither did the rest of my family.

My hopes that my family would feel my presence were dashed in an instant, I stayed for a few minutes when the phone rang, after a minute on the phone my Mom broke down in tears and told the news that I knew was coming, I had been killed by a random mugger for being broke.

I was currently at the hospital for now, but the looks on their faces soon matched my own, we were all saddened by the news, me because I would never be able to enjoy the company of my family, and them because I had died. This night was the worst in my life, and I silently shed my tears along with them as we stared at my corpse at the hospital.

"Time to go."

I turned and found another person in an over-large robe though this was a lovely young woman rather than the middle-aged ass the other was, I found myself obliged to follow, not like I had anywhere else to go.

"What is your name?" she asked, a simple question

"Ethan" A simple response followed. I looked at the speaker and took in her appearance, she had black hair and brown eyes and held herself nervously, she seemed saddened by the scene in front of her which was no surprise. Her hair was done up in a bun under a white cloth at the back of her head.

"Ethan, it's time for you to.." she stopped in mid-sentence as she stared at my sword. "How do you have a zanpakuto?"

"I'm not sure, I found it on me after I died, afterwards this Hollow as this other guy called it attacked me. After killing it said jerk decided it was time for me to die, again, so I ran like hell. I went home after losing him and came with my family here..."

I didn't figure I should tell her about my potential schizophrenia.

I turned to look at my family again and saw both my nieces crying there hearts out into my brother's shoulder, I found myself silently crying myself as I realized I would never be there to comfort them, that it would have to be someone else from now on. I found myself wishing desperately for two things at that point, for myself to be alive with them once more and for that bastard that killed me to die a horrible death for the pain he brought them.

"What's going to happen to me, is there some rule I broke when I killed that hollow? I'd rather leave here as soon as possible, seeing them is too painful for me miss..."

"Hinamori, Hinamori Momo is my name, and no you are not in trouble. Rather I'm going to bring you to Soul Society to see about you becoming a Shinigami" Filling in the blanks for me, Momo smiled lightly, probably to alleviate my stress. It didn't work. I decided to try humor to alleviate my stress.

"So you're a Shimmy dummy?"

"Shinigami"

"Silly Ronny?"

"Shinigami" She was definitely getting mad, but I thought it was funny

"Skinny fanny?"

"Shinigami" She was glaring at me now, daring me to continue

"... Spiffy Bambi?" I love dares

"IT'S SHINIGAMI!!! SHI-NI-GA-MI!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? ARE YOU BRAIN DEAD!?" She was breathing hard now, her face was red with rage.

"Technically I am brain dead as you can see on the bed there, but up till now everyone had the good grace to not bring that up."

She stopped and stared, the color of her face returning to the usual as she just stared, then after what felt like an hour she smiled slightly, then grinned, then giggled, then full out laughed her ass off. I found myself laughing with her, the first time I laughed since I had died was because I called myself brain dead, yay for me.

-------------------Rundown Street-------------------

I always figured the afterlife to be well maintained, even Hell had to meet certain requirements, this place looked like a Japanese version of a shack town.

"I though the afterlife was like a multi-national place but so far I've only seen Japanese people and buildings, or Chinese, I get the two confused all the time" I wonder if I'm allowed to do racial jokes here.

"It's strange but thus far only those of Japanese decent actually come to Soul Society, the others are instantly re-incarnated"

"No shit?"

"What?"

I stared for all of five seconds before explaining "It's kind of like saying no kidding"

"Well I'm not kidding you. Which is why you are such an odd Shinigami, you're American" Momo kept right on walking. I followed relatively close.

"So no Vodka?"

"No"

"Smirnoff?"

"No"

"Bacardi?"

"No"

"Schnapps?"

"No"

"Whiskey?"

"No"

"Moonshine?"

"No"

"Rum?"

"No"

"Why is the Rum gone? Never mind, Burban?"

"No"

"Jack Daniel's?"

"No"  
"SON OF A BITCH!!! There's no good booze" I didn't drink often but when I did I drank a lot, having a German-Irish heritage is awesome.

"We have sake" Momo was a little surprised at the outburst.

"That'll do" I instantly cheered up.

We continued on as Momo explained the 13 courts and such, I was half listening as we walked, I made note of how poor the conditions were of the area.

"Ethan, you're going to have to learn Japanese, only the captains and lieutenants know English. Got it?"

"Yeah I follow"

As the conversation ended we came up to a massive stone wall.

"Are you sure this isn't Chinese? Cuz big walls are something they're renowned for"

I was amazed at Momo's patience, most people would have snapped back at me by now. Guess I can do racial jokes now.

"I'm certain, now if you'll just follow me" As Momo walked up a giant of a man lifted up a chunk of the wall. Interesting construction idea.

This area was far and beyond better then the rundown streets we just came from. Made me wonder why there weren't any construction crews out there fixing it up.

BOOOOM!!

The explosion didn't faze Momo so I'm guessing that's why the construction crews aren't fixing up the streets, they gotta rebuild here consistently.

"What was that?"

"Based on where we are? 12th division. Most likely the result of a shikai duel"

For my part I raised a brow in question, she answered the unasked question after only a moment.

"Shikai means soul release and refers to the release of a zanpakuto's second form. Bankai means final release and refers to the release of a zanpakuto's most powerful form" Momo began walking as she talked and I followed along again.

"And how does one activate shikai and bankai?"

"Shikai usually takes 10 years and bankai usually takes 100 years requiring roughly an additional hundred to master"

I stopped and my jaw stubbed my toe.

"200 years!? Who the #### lives that long!? Are turtles the only ones who can do that!?"

Momo chuckled at my ignorance, before explaining. "We age at an extremely slow rate. Head captain Yamato is well over 3,000 years old and still going strong"

"That is awesome..."

Momo rolled her eyes as we continued.

"Right, so what am I doing here?"

"You are going to the Shinigami academy to see where you stand as far as skills go"

"Well I killed a Hollow, that's something only graduates do right?"

"Yes but there's more to being a Shinigami than that, like hakido and reishi detection"

"You seem to have forgotten that I don't speak Japanese, what are those?"

"Hakido are spells essentially, reciting a specific incantation activates the spell, and reishi is spiritual power. Detecting it is key to being a Shinigami, as it allows you to find Hollows and those they target"

"I think I'll pass on the kido, they sound like they take a while to do. Although reishi detection sounds important" Momo flipped on my ass.

"Don't underestimate hakido! It's incredibly important!" At this point she got in my face and a sudden force just started pushing down on me, It wasn't back breaking but it was like being at the bottom of a pool with no air.

At first I was scared, that passed as I instead got pissed. What the hell did I do to deserve being dunked!?

"Calm down already lady!" And just like that the pressure was gone, and I felt good again. Hungry, but good.

"Sorry, but everybody says forget hakido, who needs hakido. It's infuriating"

"You seem genuinely irked at this, but I'm no good with memorizing words, so I'm not gonna be any good with hakido"

"You don't need to recite all the words, just hakido, the number of the spell, and then the name, reciting the description of the spell increases it's power by a large amount"

"This I should have been told right from the get-go" We again began walking towards whatever it was.

"Yeah, anyway you'll only be in the school for a test and afterwards you'll be given a choice of various divisions to join, for you, I'd recommend division 12, headed by Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya"

"Why 12?"

Momo went into what was later dubbed, lecture mode. "Well 12 is more about tactics, and from the report I got your more about defensively analyzing opponents before targeting them in critical locations"

"Report? If you guys were getting a report on the damn thing why didn't anyone jump in and slaughter that Hollow kitty?"

"That's what Boshi was sent for" Shinigami? Sent? Time to confirm.

"Boshi? Short black hair with a scar on his chin?"

"Yes, so he did get there in time"

"Yeah, he's the dick who tried to kill me after I killed the Hollow!" Again we stopped as Momo gave me a look of utter shock.

"That was nowhere in the report, it must have stopped after the Hollow died, he was from 11th division so it figures he'd be antsy for a fight, but picking one with an innocent soul is forbidden. I'll report him to..." At this she paused.

"I'm not sure who to report him to actually, his Captain and lieutenant probably won't do anything"

"How about after I eat something I have a 'discussion' with him about proper behavior" I made sure to use air quotes. "Wait, he spoke English too. Is he a lieutenant?"

"No, but he's 10th seat in the 11th squad so he's too skilled for you"

"The hell he is, I out-ran him while injured he can't be in that good of shape, wait..." I looked at my side and while there was a blood stain, the wound itself had pretty much closed up.

"Maybe we should see the Medical division to clean up that scratch. Looks like a lucky graze, come on"

"Yeah, lucky me..."

-------------------Soul Society Academy-------------------

The patch job was quick and easy. The walk was pretty much silent, now that we weren't talking I noticed that I was getting some odd stares. We were walking through the courtyard at the time.

"Is it just me or am I being stared at like a cup-cake in a fat kids lunch?"

"Well you are dressed oddly, they're confused as to why, as for me, I figured it was because of your origins, we all died and became Shinigami at least a hundred years ago, it's rare for anyone to graduate in less than that, yet you pretty much already have"

"Really?"

"Yup, just an evaluation at the Academy then you'll choose your division and be allowed to train pretty much how you want, though orders from your Captain and Lieutenant take precedence"

"Cool deal"

"Yup"

We walked up the steps the stares were now really pissing me off. A quick walk past the doors and we were in, Momo took me through about thirty hallways before stopping in front of a large set of double-doors.

"This is where I leave you, Good luck Ethan, wait what's your last name?"

"Maxwell, take it easy Momo" we parted with a quick hand-shake as I pushed open the doors to find three old men in robes (What else) behind a large desk, just to skim through this annoying part I found I had a natural knack for hakido and I could sense reishi to an alright amount. The sword test was about to begin when the doors were pushed open and in stepped the prick who tried to kill me...

Fantastic.

"Ah, Boshi, just in time, we would like you to lightly spar with Ethan here to test his swordsmanship"

"I'd be glad to sir" while saying this he gave me a wicked grin.

"I know I'm great looking but I don't swing that way" Pissing him off was either very smart or very dumb.

"Silence!" The middle old man commanded... and we obeyed. "Now, Boshi, you are far more skilled and speak his language that is why you are to test him. Remember, this is only a test, so attack and defend on our orders, understood?"

"Yes sir" He looked while saying this, well time test the waters I suppose.

"Now, Boshi, Attack!" As ordered Boshi rushed at me, rather than draw my sword, when he drew I rolled to the side opposite his sheath, during this I drew my own weapon and began blocking his attacks, using the flat of my blade to gain better leverage against his attacks.

"Defend!" Boshi followed orders well as he retreated to begin blocking my assault, I swung weakly at him, waiting patiently for an opening, after nine or so swings I got it, he was blocking with only a single hand and feigned a yawn. Using this, I brought my sword around for a two handed stab, he casually moved to knock my sword aside, but realized too late I had been pulling my speed and strength, his sword bounced off my swords greater weight and momentum.

A splash of blood came from the wound as my blade passed cleanly through the meat on his left shoulder, his sword arm. Now I pressed my advantage striking with fierce over head strikes and maintaining momentum as he frantically retreated from my real assault.

"Attack!" Boshi attempted to but he wasn't ambidextrous, his swings were sloppy as I knocked his sword from his hand and knocked him down with a mighty boot to his ribs. On the ground I touched the tip of my sword to his Adam's apple as he now began to sweat like a pig. I was surprised by the suddenly strong urge to push my sword forward into his throat.

But I didn't.

"Enough, you have passed the tests, you may join one of our divisions and under the supervision of another Shinigami, begin field assignments. Good luck Mr. Maxwell, I look forward to hearing how an American Shinigami fares in Soul Society" With that he left along with the other old guys, it was only then that I noticed the symbol on the back of his robes, guess he was a captain of some sort.

Oh well, now I get to do whatever the hell I want with only minor limitations.

Awesome.


End file.
